If veggies don’t have penises… (featuring Veggie Balls)

…then what’s up with veggie balls?

My kitchen is a disaster right now.  It looks like an atom bomb filled with spices exploded.  I want to say that I’m horrified with myself, but I can’t.  I want to say that I’ll dread cleaning it up, but I won’t.  Sometimes you just have to make a big mess to find your way. 

January is no-man’s land for caterers and private chefs like me.  Most caterers take the month off and go on vacation – I had surgery on my hip.

Same ol, same ol?

Not quite.

But I don’t want to indulge myself in any more self-pity.  I’ve been trying to find ways to keep my juices flowing, (halfway through a few books, have seen all the Academy screeners I can get my hands on, have fabric and a dress pattern scattered across my dining room table) but nothing has been lighting me up.  Then yesterday, Epicurious sent me an email with some suggestions for Superbowl party eats.  We always bring homemade fried chicken to a good friend’s place for the game so the Superbowl chow is spoken for, but we are having an Oscar party.  It sounded like the perfect excuse to play in the kitchen.

This recipe for veggie balls is from “The Meatball Shop Cookbook” and has been pimped on every TV program and publication with any interest in food that I can name.  And when I made them, I understood why.  They’re very good.  But they tasted predictable to me.  They left me clamoring for something more.  So back to the lab I went.

There’s no question that the easiest way to make a ball more appealing is to find something yummy to lick off of it (I’m having fun now, can you tell?).  I made the spinach basil pesto, which is what they serve the veggie balls with at “The Meatball Shop” restaurant.  It’s delicious, but didn’t hit them out of the park for me.  I had a bit of leftover red pepper

Veggie Balls with Red Pepper Rouille and Spinach Basil Pesto
Veggie Balls with Red Pepper Rouille and Spinach Basil Pesto

rouille in the freezer; which is a stunning dip made with roasted red peppers, saffron, cayenne pepper, red wine vinegar, and olive oil-  which was closer to what I craved on my ball, but still not exactly perfect.

Next, I became obsessed with getting more gusto into the ball than simply creating something flavorful to dip it in.

First, I injected the rouille into the ball – which didn’t work because the balls are too delicate to maintain their shape after being filled.  They were fantastic tasting though.
Then, I added pesto to ball.  I found this to make a very comforting ball.  Nice, if you’re into comforting balls.

Next, I took a ball and added Sambal Oelek, my favorite chili paste. It was delicious but probably a little too spicy for some people.

I seasoned the next ball with curry powder, sweet paprika and a bit of honey.  I wanted another one right away.  It was truly delicious and would play very nicely with a yogurt based dip.

Veggie Balls
Veggie Balls

I chopped up arugula and some pickled pepperoncinos and smushed them into the next ball.  The fresh flavors got lost in the mix though.

I stirred in cayenne pepper, garam masala, turmeric, cumin, coriander and drop of agave.  I loved the taste combination, but the ball got a bit dry with all the extra spices.  This one would play very nicely with a sweet, spicy Indian sauce, like a tikka masala or makhani.

I tried Chinese 5 spice powder.   I think 5 spice powder is often underused.  It brought a very nice, surprising sweet-without-actually-being-sweet taste to the ball.

I used some lemongrass powder and a squeeze of fresh lemon.  This one just didn’t work.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have any fresh lemongrass on hand, though I look forward to playing with it the next time.

And last, but not least, cayenne powder, cinnamon, ground ginger, cumin and sugar.  This one had a lot going on.  I really liked it and know I could have eaten about 40 of them if they were served with a raita.

So there you go.  Not the worst way to spend an afternoon.  Here is the basic recipe for you to play with as you desire.

The Meatball Shop’s Veggie Balls




  • 2 cups lentils
  • 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 large onion, chopped
  • 2 carrots, chopped
  • 2 celery stalks, chopped
  • 1 garlic clove, minced
  • 1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 3 tablespoons tomato paste
  • 8 ounces Button Mushrooms, wiped clean and sliced
  • 3 large eggs
  • 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
  • 1/2 cup bread crumbs
  • 1/2 cup chopped fresh parsley
  • 1/4 cup finely chopped walnuts


  1. Combine the lentils and 2 quarts water in a medium stockpot and bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to low and simmer until the lentils are soft (but not falling apart), about 25 minutes. Drain the lentils and allow to cool.
  2. Add 1/4 cup of the olive oil to a large frying pan and sauté the onions, carrots, celery, garlic, thyme, and salt over medium-high heat, stirring frequently, for about 10 minutes, until the vegetables are tender and just beginning to brown. Add the tomato paste and continue to cook, stirring constantly, for 3 minutes. Add the mushrooms and cook, stirring frequently, for 15 more minutes, or until all the liquid is absorbed. Transfer the mixture to a large bowl and allow to cool to room temperature. When cool, add the lentils to the vegetable mixture.
  3. Add the eggs, Parmesan, bread crumbs, parsley, and walnuts to the cooled vegetable mixture and mix by hand until thoroughly incorporated. Place in the refrigerator for 25 minutes.
  4. Preheat the oven to 400°F.
  5. Drizzle the remaining 2 tablespoons olive oil into a 9×13-inch baking dish and use your hand to evenly coat the entire surface. Set aside.
  6. Roll the mixture into round, golf ball-size meatballs (about 1 1/2 inches), making sure to pack the vegetable mixture firmly. Place the balls in the prepared baking dish, allowing 1/4-inch of space between the balls and place them in even rows vertically and horizontally to form a grid.
  7. Roast for 30 minutes, or until the meatballs are firm and cooked through.
  8. Allow the meatballs to cool for 5 minutes in the baking dish before serving.

6 thoughts on “If veggies don’t have penises… (featuring Veggie Balls)”

  • I apologize in advance if this request sounds a little strange I noticed that you sometimes make food for your clients that they can cook themselves. This got me thinking about Susan’s lunch behind forty foot razor wire and high voltage electric fence. The menu choice are very limited and she shares one microwave with her co-workers. Ok. The scene is set. A New York chef has a recipe for Susan and millions of other hungry office workers that will complement perfectly those bars you made for Shannon.

    • @Jim, I would check out the turkey meatloaf recipe in the post called “the circle of loaf”. It is something that a lot of people who read this blog have tried and loved. I’ll keep Susan in mind for future posts too.
      Thanks again!

  • These sound wonderful Alison. My wife works in a maximum security prison hospital for sexual predators. Your recipes will be a most welcome relief as she really loves her kitchen too. About that big crowbar. I am a Dad also and there is one technique that almost always works. Guilt. Good luck.

    • @Jim- you have made my day! I’m so glad you and your wife are enjoying the recipes. I’ll let you know how “operation get dad off couch” works out. Thanks again!- Alison

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